Bedtime Stories
by gaara'sonmymind
Summary: Ichigo was begged by his son to tell him a story about 'ghosties', and his story turns into a messed up version of his soul reaper days. Please enjoy my random humor and minor character bashing! R&R! Slight IchiXRuk! Don't Own Bleach!


**Of everything I could write, I came up with this! I went through a lot of time to think of all the funny stuff I could, and yet, I think I am good for right now. I tried my best to get my humor out here, and well I have a little bit of a warning. Almost every character in Bleach gets bashed in this fan fiction! XD**

**Bedtime Stories**

"Daddy!! I want a bedtime story!"

The little five year old orange haired browned eyed boy screamed as his father turned his back to let him go to sleep.

"But, it is your bedtime, and Mommy might stab me ten times with the kitchen knife if I…"

"Bedtime Story! NOW!"

The child screamed even louder, almost making it his father's ears bleed. There was no resistance from the child's screaming, but yet, he did promise him about forty nine times for a 'hour long bedtime story that had a good guy who defeated big monsters and got a pretty girl at the end of it and yet still it made no sense and it sounded like every other fairytale' kind of story.

With a sigh (the doubt in his mind that he used a rain check on this bed time story idea) he sat upon his son's bed and looked at him. _I suck at creating stories…I should just call the 'old man' since he is great at stories anyway. I swear he could ramble on about something and make anyone fall asleep. Too bad he is probably too old now to even remember the difference between a spoon and a fork. _

"Daddy?" The child tapped onto his father shoulder as it seemed he was lost in thought about the 'old man' and his silverware epidemic.

"Oh, sorry. Okay, could we make this story short."

"No! I want to be a long story about…about…umm…oh I know, about ghosties!" The child made spooky noises which was probably the worst impression of a ghost, making them sound like dieing sheep.

"Ghosties…?" _Damn, not a short story about a lobster that can rock, or the ugly barnacle story or whatever from that stupid show about a…square cleaning product or something that lived in a fruit. It has to be about…ghosties? Ghosties…_

The child's father smirked as it seemed he came up for a perfect idea for a story.

"Okay, you ready for the best story you could ever hear about…umm ghosties!"

"YES YES YES YES!"

The poor kid was so excited it looked like he was giving himself whiplash as he nodded his head up and down so fast that you could swear his eyes would be falling out of his head by now.

"Uh, stop before you hurt yourself. Now son, your father, Kurosaki Ichigo, is about to tell you a story that has nothing to do with my life and past what so ever. There were no people or spirits…scratch that…there was ONE human who got harmed and some self-proclaimed and princess like spirits harmed in this story!"

"Okay, okay, okay, enough with the disclaimers. It is like it isn't your life story or anything daddy."

Ichigo swore that if he was in one of those anime cartoon's shows on television, he would have one of those sweat droplets running down his head. In reality, the story he was about to tell his son about ghosties, was in reality, well his life story. He mentally sighed as he knew that this was going to turn into an interesting story.

And so he began…

"There was a boy named…umm Kuuru, whose nickname was 'raspberries'."

"Ewe, I hate raspberries."

"Uhh, okay, how about 'pomegranate'?"

"Hate those too. Oh I know, what about 'kumquat'?"

"Okay. Fine Kumquat. There was a boy named Kuuru whose nickname was 'kumquat'"

"Oh, oh, I got an idea."

"What?"

"Can he be an elf?"

"Sure. Fine, he is Kumquat the Elf. Anyway, Kumquat was a special little boy elf for he could see ghosts, and he was also going to become a…"

"A fairy princess? Oh, oh, oh, I know. He is going to become…"

Ichigo's son leaned over and whispered into his ear.

"A real boy. Right…just like that one guy who had that little bug as his voice inside his head."

"Uh, no. He was going to become a Ghostie Murderer!"

"Ohhh…this is getting good."

"Now, Kumquat was sleeping in his bed, when all of a sudden a girl elf with the biggest head in the world came into his window!!" (**A/N: **I think you all know who it is…but seriously she has like huge hair! XD)

"Whoa, her head must have been like…this big!"

The child made a measurement with his hands.

"Yes, he was that big! But you know what she did? When she came into Kumquat's room, she immediately dragged along with her, her pet ghostie named…"

"Can his name be 'Steven'?"

"Steven? Why Steven?"

"That name sounds cool. Also, his nickname could be Steve which is really fun to say!! Watch! S-S-S-S-S-S-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-vv-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!"

"Okay, Steve the Ghostie it is. Anyway, Steve was hungry right then, for the girl elf with the extremely large head did not feed him. So, he began to eat Kumquat's sisters. Then, Kumquat tried to kill Steve, but the girl with the big head told him her name, which was Atama Ookii, and stabbed him right after that."

"YEAH! Go girl elf with the large head! You show that Kumquat not to mess with Steve!"

"But, Kumquat's sisters were getting eaten by Steve."

"Well, the girl elf with the large head was just protecting her pet. Gosh, it not like it is a true story or anything."

"Uhh, well, sure whatever you say. Anyway, right then, Steve died by a heart attack for there was this guy was carrying around a notebook called the Death Note…"

"Isn't that copyrighted?"

"But this is a story; it isn't like it is going to be on the internet or anything." (**A/N: **Yeah, like it isn't going to be on the internet or anything! XD)

"But it is still copyrighted. Daddy could get in some major trouble, and be put into time out for life! Time out for life man! You don't know how bad time out is man! You don't know man!"

"Okay, Steve died by getting his name written in a notebook called 'Death Note' ©. Anyway, after that, when Kumquat got stabbed by Ookii's sword which just popped out of nowhere, he gained Ookii's magical Ghosties Murderer powers!"

"Whoa, that was so vague and unexplained in so many ways that it makes sense!"

"Yes, it is! But after that, everything settled down, and Ookii had a great idea to stay in Kumquat's world, for the elves in his town made better cookies then they did in hers. Anyway, after that, Kumquat began to kill other ghosties with his new powers. But sadly, Ookii had to leave which then sucked the powers out of him for Ookii's brother and his little red headed follower thought that Ookii was gone from her other world full of Ghostie Murderers who couldn't cook cookies, that she had to be put into time out in a giant tower!"

"Can the tower be blue with green polka-dots?"

"The giant blue tower with green polka-dots? Uh, yeah sure, but anyway, this tower was used for people who did the worst of the worst, and people were put to time out FOREVER IN IT!"

"OH NO! Not forever! That is about…ten times worse then for life in a giant blue tower covered in green polka-dots! Kumquat must save Ookii!"

"Yes, yes. But then Kumquat lost his powers remember? Well, to fix that, this guy named…Tree-suke came along."

"Can't we just call him Kis.."

"No! He is going to be Tree-suke and Tree-suke he shall be. Anyway, Tree-suke was old. Like really old. Like over a million years old."

"But, Kisuke isn't old."

"I told he is Tree-suke and not Kisuke. Besides Kisuke is old anyway."

"No he isn't."

"Yes, he is. Now stop arguing with your father or else the story ends right here. Anyway, Tree-suke was old, yet also insane. He had a giant helper named…Giant Helper Lad. Also he had two little midgets named Entity 1 and Entity 2. They both ran away from the circus…and they know…they know how to sing their ABC's out of tune."

"Whoa, that is one awesome talent. Wish I could do that."

"Now onto why he was insane. He talked to animals, but mostly a black cat that had a magical power to turn into a naked woman!"

"EW!! THAT IS NASTY!! GIRL CUTTIES!!"

Ichigo's son covered his eyes as mental images of women naked made him shiver.

"Yes, I know. Kumquat was mentally scarred for life, take it from me."

"I wouldn't blame him. Girls are nasty and icky! Mommy is the only girl I know that isn't nasty and icky!"

"Yes, Mommy is very none nasty and icky. Anyway, on with the story. The black cat was named Fluffy Muffins Ninja Kitty, but just Flum for short. Tree-suke, with his band of Giant Helper Lad, Entity 1 and 2, and Flum, all trained Kumquat and his three friends who have no real importance to the story but are just there anyway."

"Oh, what are their names?"

"Uh, well there is Giant Helper Lad 2, uh, the Busty Ditz, and, eh, Fancy Pants Man! Yeah, that sounds good. Anyway, they all trained to go into the world of Ghostie Murderer's who couldn't cook cookies, to save Ookii from time out. When they had gotten there, they were up against the worst of the worst!"

"O…M…G…what was it?" (**A/N: **IM language is funny when you say it in real life XD)

"They were the 13 Ghostie Murderer's of Coolness with there little Lieutenant Followers!"

"What were their names?!?!"

"Uh well, starting from the first Ghostie Murderer, we have Leader Long Beard of the Old Long Beard Association (Yamamoto-taichou), Leader Ninja Wannabe of the Flum Worshipers (Soi Fong –taichou), Leader British Man of the Extendable Swords Committee (Ichimaru-taichou), Leader Mom of the Goody Goody Two Shoes (Unohana-taichou), Leader Elton John of the Evil Beings of Evilness(Aizen-taichou), Leader Princess of the Girly Men Group Excluding the Lieutenant (Kuchiki-taichou), Leader Basket Head of the Basket Wearing Agency(Komamura-taichou), Leader Lazy Drunk of the Flamboyant Feathers (Kyoraku-taichou), Leader Tellitubby of the Evil Beings of Evilness Followers (Tosen-taichou), Leader Munchkin of the Short Beings (Hitsugaya-taichou), Leader Jingle Bells of the Bald, Girly, Pink Haired Warriors (Zaraki-taichou), Leader Le Freak of the Experiments Gone Wrong Researchers (Kurotsuchi-taichou), and Leader Cough up a Lung of the Annoying Nuisances Faction (Ukitake-taichou)"

There was a silence as Ichigo noticed that his son was beginning to dose off, but he knew that he was too far into the story to stop now.

"Now, listen to this. Kumquat along with Giant Helper Lad2, Busty Ditz, Flum, and Fancy Pants Man, saved Ookii, but, you know what?"

"What? What happened?"

"Supposidely, Leader Elton John LOVED SHINY THINGS THAT MAKE EVERYTHING GO BOOM!"

"Oh my God, no way! I would have never seen it coming!"

"Yes, but then he turned into a pocket thief and stole something shiny from Ookii. It was called the Shiny Orb of Deathly Doom! What it did was turn men into pretty men dressed in white outfits! And one of them could turn their eye into shiny glitter!"

"What you can do in your spare time…"

"Exactly. Now, listen here, after Leader Elton John stole the Shiny Orb of Deathly Doom…"

He stopped in mid-sentence as he saw his son, laying asleep. _Jeez…this kid goes out like a light._

Actually, now that he couldn't tell his story, he was a little depressed. He was having fun messing everything up and giving people nicknames. I mean, where the hell could he get some of this stuff anyway? Probably be considered smoking something if he told this story to his friends.

"I really need to get to sleep. I think this has gone to my head."

He was probably right, as he knew that calling Yoruichi Flum was defiantly a little…weird. Not to mention, he probably get punched in the face by Jinta for calling him Entity 1 or 2 or whatever number he preferred better.

"Oh Ichigo-chan…"

Ichigo heard the sweet melodic voice come out of his son's door, and he walked towards it, noticing through the crack in the doorway that it was his wife. He walked out of the door cheerily and smiled as he seemed he was proud of himself for telling such an awesome story.

"I hope you were hearing. I told the best story ever."

"Oh I heard alright. Every word. I was just wondering…"

"What? What were you wondering?"

"My head. It is big to you, eh?"

Ichigo paused as he knew that that was something that his wife was going to make him sleep in the living room for.

"Well, I didn't mean it was…you know abnormally large, it is just, you know, it is your hair you know."

"So you are saying I have a big head and big hair."

"Uh..no, no, no, nothing like that…"

Rukia raised her hand and pointed to the living room down the stairs. Ichigo slumped as he walked away from her, knowing that besides time out, getting kicked out of his own room by his own wife was the worst punishment.

And so our story ends here, and yet the next day everyone is talking about how they could not stop sneezing the night before. And they still wonder why.

**Aww what you can do in your spare time. **

**Translations**

**Kuuru- cool**

**Atama- head**

**Ookii- big**

**Ki- tree (Does that joke make sense now XD)**

**Thank You For Reading! I truly appreciate it, and I am so sorry it ended like that. I know the ending is pretty bad, but I couldn't think of anything besides that. Besides the part I ended at was the part I am up at the series anyway, so how am I supposed to go any further with Leader Elton John's escapades?**

**R&R PLEASE! I accept flamers as well!! **


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